There May Be Better Movies Than “The Velocipastor,” But Few Are This Much Fun

When a pastor’s parents are murdered by a car bomb right in front of him, he loses his faith and goes to China where he is cursed by an artifact to turn into a velociraptor and, with the help of a prostitute, decides to use his new found power to fight crime.

Make no mistake: This is a bad movie but, it knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that it’s a bad movie and, rather than try to hide that, it decides to be the best bad movie possible. In many ways, I see The Velocipastor as a blood brother to Wolfcop — it’s got a hilarious premise, it revels in its awfulness, and dares you to hate it… which you can’t because it’s so awesome.

And, even if you did hate it, The Velocipastor just don’t care.

What I really appreciate about this movie is that it doesn’t waste time with filler or padding out its runtime. In 15 minutes, the pastor is a dinosaur and killing people — it’s lean and mean and ready to rock from the very beginning.

No one will accuse this movie of being deep or meaningful or even that good, but I do respect it for its approach to the material. It lampoons organized religion without becoming incredibly offensive or edgy… in fact, The Velocipastor has such a wonderfully good nature about itself that it just wants to have fun but doesn’t want to do it at anyone’s expense. I could see a lesser movie, directed by a unapologetic edgelord, go for something more exclusionary and mean. Say what you will about The Velocipastor… it’s not mean.

That’s not to say it’s toothless, either. It does go into some inflammatory territory as part of its premise is that there is an extremist Christian sect ran by ninjas that want to use cocaine to forceably convert people, but given that the premise is so ludicrous in the first place, it never comes off as mean.

Plus, as a viewer, you just sit there wondering how the heck ninjas got into the movie in the first place.

The Velocipastor is ridiculous, but purposely so. The effects are terrible – and in some cases, laughably non-existent – the acting and dialogue is ludicrous, and even the cinematography and camera movements are so humorously amateurish that it often seems like the camera gets lost or doesn’t know what’s supposed to be happening in the scene.

Despite all of this, or more likely, because of all of this, The Velocipastor is a gigantic ball of charismatic and unrepentant fun. It’s self-aware without being annoying, it’s charming and witty with a delightful cast who are obviously having a load of fun, and the movie… just… doesn’t… care. It’s glorious.

One may think that a movie made this purposefully bad would be easy, but to make a movie this much fun takes talent and it’s talent that should be celebrated and adored.