Thirty Observations I Made When I Watched ‘House of the Dead’

I’ve been struck speechless, folks.  I was told that this was a bad movie, but nothing in the world could have prepared me for the waves of badness that emanated from my TV while I was watching this movie.

There were so many things that were bad… so many things that were wrong with this movie that I eventually got out a piece of paper and started taking notes just so I could keep up with them.

1.  The introduction of this movie shows us a bunch of vacant self-centered people and then explains that they all die before the movie is over.  Normally, that would kill any suspense, but after seeing these characters for five minutes, it gives me something to look foreword to.

2. Clint Howard!  You know you’re movie is horrible if Clint Howard looks embarrassed to be in it.

3. Those have to be the worst Marine Police in the entire world.

4. Senseless booby shot and Sega product placement!

5. Another senseless booby shot!  Also, I don’t care how cold the water is… no man wouldn’t go swimming with a hot topless chick.

6. Hey, the topless chick almost got attacked by fart bubbles!

7. At this point, I just have to point out just how bad the actors are in this movie.  If you cloned Kari Wuhrer ten times and cast her in every role, it would be better for it.  These people sound like they were collected off a modeling show runway five minutes before cameras started rolling.

8. Another senseless booby shot!  I guess this gives us some idea of who this movie’s target audience is!

9. What the…?  Was that a shot from the video game?  Nah, it couldn’t have been.

10.  Okay, here’s an insight to the stupidity of the characters in this movie and the hack who wrote them.  These vacant little idiots get to this island where there is supposed to be a huge rave going on but instead they find the party sight trashed, all the party goers missing, and shreds of clothing stained with blood.  The first thing they do?  Start partying!

11. Just when I think that the dialogue can’t get any worse… it does.  

12.  I think I just saw another shot of the video game!  Surely not… no one would be that dumb to put video game footage in a live action movie.

13.  Three people have died and all of them have been off screen.  If there is no graphic death in this movie, I am demanding a refund!

14.  Another senseless booby shot!

15. Holy crap on a stick, that WAS a shot from the video game.  They’re actually putting shots from the video game in the movie!

16.  It’s nice to know that in the middle of a supposed horror movie, there’s always room for the characters to laugh at a poop joke.

17.  These people are going to die because none of them listen to people who know better.

18.  Okay, so now everyone in this movie has a black belt?

19.  What is this?  A movie or a music video?

20.  More deaths… still no gore.

21.  Now the characters are in this huge gun battle with zombies.  This movie is like going over to a friend’s house and watching him play a video game he won’t share while he’s using cheat codes so he can’t die.

22.  I know that the Matrix effects look cool, but honestly… they don’t work in this movie.  They hardly work in any other movie other than The Matrix!

23.  Okay… this guy’s girlfriend was just killed by zombies.  He doesn’t help, he just watches it happen… and then has an epileptic flashback that lasts an agonizing 45 seconds.

24.  In typical shallow Hollywood fashion, after the big zombie battle, one good-looking guy laments about a burn on his face and how his life is over.  People are dead, there are zombies outside, and he’s worried about how his face looks?  The thing that gets me is, it’s not even that bad of a burn!  I can’t believe that this shallow narcissistic thought even made it into the movie.

25.  I suppose zombies and death make people randy?

26.  “Look, everyone!  I found an old book!  Maybe it can help us!”  Oh, really?  You know, when I’m in a life or death situation, the first thing I do is go look for old books that will save the day.  Of course, my luck, I would end up with a copy of Where the Red Fern Grows and get killed in five minutes.

27.  Okay, the old book which miraculously does help is a log from a ship where the crew was killed and the ship was set fire.  If the crew was killed and the ship destroyed, who wrote it down in the log?

28.  There are times this movie makes me think I’m watching the three stooges fight zombies.

29.  This dude is the most useless dude ever!  Another chick dies because he just sits there and watches!

30. Finally, the end!  The chick wasn’t dead, but stepping on the bad guy’s severed head took all her strength and she ended up dying anyway.

I have the feeling that I just watched the world’s longest video game commercial and, honestly, I have no desire to check it out because if it’s twice as intelligent as this movie was, it’ll still be a waste of my time.

This movie viewed like it was written by twelve-year-old computer game geeks who flunked English.

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