Reboot: The Guardian Code is Quite Possibly the Worst Thing in the History of Anything Ever

Imagine all your hopes and dreams and now imagine them turning into mounds of poo in your hands. That’s what this TV show is like… only it’s in slow motion, your mother just died, and you have rectal hyper-cancer.

Reboot was a cute high concept cartoon from about 25 years ago. If I’m not mistaken, it was one of the first cartoons to use extensive computer animation and, although it was limited by the technology of the time, it managed to combine fun characters and inventive settings into a pretty good television show.

I will be honest, I was not what you would call the biggest fan of the show as I think that I was a little too old for the goofiness of the first couple of seasons, but I really dug the latter seasons when it became more gritty and Enzo became the hero.

My point is, lots of people have fond recollections of this series and, when it was announced that a reboot of ReBoot would be hitting the airwaves courtesy of Netflix, lots of people got really excited and rightfully so. Bob, Dot, and Enzo would be getting an animation upgrade and new adventures in the 21st century.

Now, imagine all of those people looking doe-eyed into the sky awaiting the reemergence of their favorite Reboot characters, only to have 17 tons of rancid hyena feces dumped on them while they stood there with their mouths open and, this isn’t your ordinary everyday feces… This is Eboli infested feces with Guinea worms and the collective sadness of children everywhere who grew up without fingers. Simply put, if there was a Olympics for bad television reboots, Reboot: The Guardian Code would probably not win, because it would be on the sidelines eating grass picking its nose.

I will never forget my first thought upon seeing the YouTube promo for this show: “Wow,” I thought, “I hate literally everything about this!” Keep in mind, while I understand cynicism on the Internet is cool and hip, I’m actually a fairly optimistic guy and, realizing that I hated the commercial, I surmised that my expectations must be so low that, perhaps, I could actually find nuggets of goodness in this television series.

After watching the pilot episode, I’m happy to admit that I was wrong… about the optimism, that is. This literally is one of the worst things I’ve ever seen.

For one thing, the creators of this reboot of ReBoot have missed the mark virtually on everything that made the old series loved. None of the characters are in it, the setting is changed, and, stupidly enough, this new show is live action. Live action! What the actual eff?

Again, I was not what you would call a rabid fan of ReBoot, but even I am offended at this point. This is like Disney taking Beauty and the Beast and making it live action.

No, wait… Bad example.

This is like doing a Masters of the Universe reboot and taking He-Man out of Eternia and dropping them on Earth.

Oh, wait…

This is like doing The Smurfs in live action…

Sigh…

Needless to say, live action was completely the wrong way of doing this, but perhaps maybe, there’s a good reason for this. Maybe the live-action segments are necessary to tell an interesting and compelling story.

Of course, they’re not. There are, more than likely, to save on the budget. The live-action segments are stupid, badly written, badly acted, and look cheap.

This Reboot reboot takes place at Alan Turing High School, a high school for kids who like technology as one of our characters is a blogger, one is a dark-skinned nerd who is described as very smart, one is a jock type who doesn’t look like he could add two and two in his head, and the last is the most boring person on the face of the Earth, a man so white that it looks like he could bleed mayonnaise. These four kids, because they are good at a video game, are chosen to be the Guardians of the internet or something to protect cyberspace from a Hood wearing hacker who is trying to take down the power grid of the city.

I say “the city” because it’s very vague where this is supposed to be. The kids are obviously American or Canadian, but later in the episode, they say it’s in the U.K.

Everything about this series fails on every conceivable level. While I have already told you why it is a terrible relaunch of a beloved franchise, even if it was a brand new series all to itself, it would still be bad. The actors are bad, the dialogue is even worse, and there is so very little originality to this thing that you will be counting the number of plot points and visuals that it steals from other television series and movies. Keep an eye out for materials looted from The Last StarfighterIron ManTronAndromeda… The list goes on and on, and I’m sure it will continue to grow with each subsequent episode but it will have to grow without me because I am done.

It’s very rarely that I ever use the word “insulting” to describe a television program or a movie, but this thing is insulting. Even if you use the excuse that it’s made for younger kids, it’s insulting to them too. This is low effort drivel, trying to coast by on a recognizable brand name when it didn’t understand what made the name recognizable in the first place.

This is a television show that has missed the mark so severely that it didn’t land anywhere in the neighborhood, it’s not in the county, it’s not in the state, it didn’t even hit the entire planet. This is the level of incompetency that you usually read about in engineering textbooks and to see it displayed on your television screen is really something.

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