Jeepers Creepers 3

I’ve never been much of a fan of the Jeepers Creepers movies.   The first was interesting, but only just so while the second was laughably uncomfortable to watch, filled with so many barely clothed high school boys, you’d almost think it was directed by a pedophile or something.   Needless to say, I haven’t exactly been counting the seconds until the third installment and I sure as heck wasn’t going to pay to see it because, even though I may be an jackass, I am an jackass with standards.

So, yeah… thanks Netflix.

The creature… does he even have a name?   I’m going to call him The Creeper because it fits.

The Creeper is once again making like a fat guy at a buffet and picking off young people one by one, but now, there’s a secret militia that’s on his tail… does he have a tail?   They’re on his tail and they’re going to kill him dead for what he’s done!

Remember how the creature was defeated at the end of Jeepers Creepers 2 and they left it in a cliffhanger where his cocooned carcass was on the wall of barn and that guy was waiting for him to wake up so he could resume seeking revenge?   Well, here’s a tangent… that made no sense.   Dump the cocoon in an incinerator and be done with it, idiot!

Regardless, if you were eager to see that cliffhanger play out, I have excellent news for you… Jeepers Creepers 3 all but ignores it kinda sorta.   It just kind of picks up with the carnage like nothing’s happened which, right out of the gate, I find very disappointing.

The good news is, that disappointment is quickly eclipsed by the rest of the disappointment that follows. 

The first twenty minutes of the movie is dedicated to Mr. Creeper’s killer car and, yes, that is as amazing as it sounds.   You see, we open with the car getting captured by police but, even the car is full of surprises and those surprises are booby traps, each one tackier and more cartoony  than the last.   For one thing, the back door of the car is protected by six foot tall spikes which drop down and ensnare anyone stupid enough to look inside.   That’s all fine and good, but where do those spikes come from?   Do they just materialize?   Do they beam in?   Are they stored in an alternate dimension?

The Creepermobile also has a harpoon that apparently fires autonomously out of its tailpipe and, no, I am not making that up.   Folks, I would be entertained by a movie that was nothing but the police trying to impound the Creeper’s truck.   I think that would be comedy gold.

But this isn’t supposed to be a comedy, it’s supposed to be serious horror and, already, it looks like the people making this film don’t give two farts about it.

What follows the truck debauchery only gets more disappointing as we’re led into the story of the Creeper hunters including the token black man who won’t survive until the end of the movie.   They are so tragically useless that the words elude me.   All of the time that the movie takes building them up is brought down in one scene where they appear so woefully incompetent that you wonder how they survived the opening credits.

Meg Foster is in the movie too which is cool because I haven’t seen her in anything in a very long time and, bless her icy blue eyes, she really does do her level best with what they give her.   Her story revolved around a hand that the creature left behind on a feeding frenzy 23 years ago and, apparently, if you touch it it sends you on a mental trip and you learn the secrets of where the creature came from.   It sounds interesting, doesn’t it?   God knows the characters never shut up about the experience.  

Oh, you as an audience member never learn it, though.   Not even a clue other than “it’s ancient.”   It’s a complete waste of time.

As a matter of fact, this entire movie could not be summed up with truer words.   I honestly feel like Jeepers Creepers 3 wasted my time with absolute nonsense that went nowhere.   Any character in this movie could be have been deleted and it wouldn’t matter.   Six characters could have been deleted from this movie entirely and it would have made no difference.  

What’s worse is that this movie is completely without tension and scares.   Hell, the entire thing with only a couple of scenes, takes place in bright daylight, laying bare the cheapness of the entire production.   The Creeper is seen in full light and looks ridiculous.   The special effects are in full light and look ridiculous… I laughed at this movie in places I assume it wanted me to jump in fright and the stupid twist ending that Final Destination 5‘ed this movie was eye-rolling.

I was embarrassed for this film.   It has tarnished the good name of Jeepers Creepers more than a director who likes to diddle kids and that’s really saying something.

I know that Jeepers Creepers 3 was a passion project and that it was something that Victor Silva has been wanting to do for years, but sometimes when we hear that little voice that says “follow your dreams,” we should consider our means and then politely tell it no.

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