Spoiler alert:  There is no monster in “Monster.”  There’s not even a metaphorical monster.   If we’re speaking in metaphors or even just actual physicality, “Jerk” would have been a better title.

So, here we go… Season two of this pile that, like a Kardashian, gets by on name recognition alone.  I guess it works because I’m still watching it and now I realize that makes me an idiot.

Darn it.

When we last left our crew of characters I can’t remember the names of, they were on the West Coast about to board a yacht and sail away to safety.  Now, they’re on a yacht and they’re sailing away to safety, I guess.   That’s pretty much the summation of the episode because, as you guessed it… as the typical fashion of Fear the Walking Dead… not a thing happened for almost an hour.

Sure, we had a relatively good opening with the family evacuating the coast as the dead closed in on them and explosions and fires and stuff blew up all of the houses and buildings and, yes, it gave me hope that Fear would actually be good this season.  However, within mere minutes, we were having nothing but conversations.  Long… boring… arduous conversations.   Much of the same conversations we had last season, as a matter of fact.  It’s like these guys are slow learners and they haven’t figured out that it’s the apocalypse yet.

“You don’t understand me, dad!”

“Are you serious?  Do you not see the zombies outside?  You can shove that teen angst, grab a hatchet, and help me kill these things!”

This show doesn’t need the family drama.  I understand that this series is supposed to be about how a single family deals with a zombie plague, but can’t we get beyond “I hate you dad!” and “You don’t understand me!?”  It just seems to me that, on a basic hierarchy of needs, that kind of stuff wouldn’t even be entertained for a second in this situation.

My problem with Fear the Walking Dead is that, when you get to the nitty gritty of it all, I don’t give a tinker’s cuss about a single one of these characters.   I find them irritating, I find them stupid, and I find them just… terrible people if I have to be completely honest about it.  When it looked like Nicky McDruggyface was going to get chomped, I didn’t flinch.  When it looked like Chrissy Von Crybaby committed suicide by jumping on the boat, I didn’t even react.  Even when I’m annoyed at The Walking Dead, I still give a darn if Carol is going to live or Glenn or Maggie.   These guys on Fear?  I can’t even remember their names unless I look them up.

Giving credit where it’s due, I actually dig setting the series on the water.  For The Walking Dead universe, it’s unique and – dare I say – exciting.  Come to think of it, I’ve rarely seen zombies on the water, so I’m looking forward to seeing what is going to be done with Fear The Swimming Dead this season.

“Monster,” however, is yet another flat and slow-moving entry in Fear’s ever-growing repertoire of crap lousy episodes.   It’s lazy writing, cliched situations, and repetitive dialogue with an occasional appearance of a zombie.  I hate to say it, but those of us who had hope that this lumbering beast would have learned from last season mistakes… I have the sinking feeling that we’d better get used to disappointment.

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Written by Jason Gaston

Father, teacher, writer, photographer, artist, actor, male model, and inventor of the semicolon.

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