Michael Bay makes movies for teenagers. I totally get that.
The problem is, I think that as Bay gets older, teenagers have become more sophisticated. Despite the fact that the common belief is that teenagers are dumb slobbering self-absorbed hormonal monsters (which is actually kind of true), I also believe that they’re craving more than what Michael Bay is willing to give them.
I… am not a teenager. I haven’t been a teenager for many Winters, but I freely admit to both watching and enjoying some of the stuff that is aimed at teens. If you will remember, I was one of the few who enjoyed Armageddon. I loved the first Transformers movie. Truthfully, if you were to list all of the Michael Bay movies that have ever been made, I probably enjoyed more than I hated.
However, teenagers and myself have grown up and we’ve left Bay, the eternal never-maturing Peter Pan of film, behind in Neverland playing alone with his big expensive exploding toys.
Merciful Allah, Transformers: Age of Extinction is just… awful. Where Transformers was a fun adventure and Armageddon had an overblown 90 minute movie trailer feel to it, Age of Extinction is three hours of butt-numbing, brain cell killing stupidity where nothing… literally nothing about the movie works right.
It’s several years after the not great (but at least it’s not Revenge of the Fallen) Transformers: Dark of the Moon. With the Decepticons pretty much defeated, the humans of Earth have decided that the Transformers are more trouble than they are worth and have driven them all – both good and bad – into hiding. It’s not until Marky Mark, his hot daughter, and her pedophile boyfriend (yes, really) discover that a truck they have salvaged is actually a badly damaged Optimus Prime that they are thrown into a barely coherent whirlwind of explosions, bad characterizations, and nonsensical plot involving zombie Transformers, a bounty hunter, corrupt humans, and the return of He Who Shall Not Be Named.
And by that I mean Megatron.
This movie is garbage. Three hours of complete inane garbage that fails on every level possible.
Did you like the personalities of Optimus Prime and Bumblebee from the first few movies? That’s a shame because now, Optimus Prime is a cold blooded jerk who has gone from wishing to protecting the humans to wanting to straight up murder them.
Bumblebee has gone from the adorable wide-eyed sympathetic character that won the hearts of the world to a brat with a temper and mannerisms more fitting a drunken frat jock than a transforming robot.
Did you like the racist Transformers from the previous movies? If so, then you’re a terrible person and, sadly, about the only viewer who’s in luck. This time, you’ve got a Samurai Autobot for all of the Japanese fans who felt left out when the black and Hispanic culture was generalized and degraded in the last few movies.
However, the biggest question is… do you like Dinobots!?
Holy crap! Of course you do! Everyone loves the Dinobots! They’re the highlight of the movie!
All… ten minutes… that they are actually in… the movie.
That’s right, kids… the one thing that you went to see the movie for is ten minutes at the end of a three hour run.
This movie is terrible. I honestly didn’t think that anything could be worse than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and, to be honest, I’m still not sure that Age of Extinction is that bad, but it is at least on the same level of just outright grotesque stupidity… a bumbling barrage of overblown action sequences that are only possible through contrivance and idiocy. It’s no coincidence that the writer of this monstrosity is named “Kruger,” because it’s a real nightmare to sit through.
I don’t just sit through this movie with rolling eyes and pure hatred, I honestly… honestly want Transformers to be better. I have such love for it and see so much potential. I loved and still love the first movie despite the increasingly disappointing sequels and I want them to be better. Desperately. It’s kind of the way I see M. Night Shamalyan movies… I hate them, but see them as a tragic waste because I know they can be so much better. I know there is greatness there, but’s being wasted.
Such is the way with Transformers: Age of Extinction. Wasted potential, deafening noise, and things happening, none of them good.
You would thing I would give up, but I’m a dreamer. I will be sitting in the theater for Transformers 5.
Hoping against hope.