‘Twilight’ is So Very Very Bad

I’ve tried to jump on this whole Twilight bandwagon, I really have.  I bought the book and found it to be one of the worst books I’ve ever read with the most irritating characters I’ve ever seen, but I decided to stick with it even though the book has proven to be an almost insurmountable chore now and I’m not sure I’ll ever finish.

What I’m trying to say is that this movie was probably the last chance that this fad had with me and even though the trailer looked like two minutes of tween wish fulfillment, I went with it and sat down to watch this movie.

…and will someone please tell me what in the name of Bram Stoker I just sat through?  I mean, dear God in heaven, I think I have just sat through the most insipid and poorly plotted movie since 10,000 BC.

You probably know by now that the story is about a girl who falls in love with a vampire so I won’t bore you with those details, but it does bring me to my first point about how much this movie blows.  It should not take a character half of the movie to figure out something that the audience already knows before they bought the ticket!  Twilight is so badly paced that you could literally be 45 minutes late to the movie and still get the same experience.  It would probably be a better experience because you would miss out on a lot of angsty teenage whining.

Then again, every character in this movie is a whiner and Edward, the vampire, is the biggest whiner of them all.  “Oh, Bella, I love you but I’d DANGEROUS!”  Shut up, you androgynous albino idiot!  You’re lucky that a woman is even looking at you with your freaky hair and red lipstick.  Is this what passes as a man today?  A man with a large forehead and caterpillars for eyebrows?

All of the vampires in this movie are a joke.  They don’t have fangs and they don’t even burst into flames when they hit sunlight.  Want to know what they do?  They SPARKLE!  Yes, they sparkle like someone has sprayed them with glitter and semen.  Of course, this has apparently led to all kinds of emotional trouble for poor Ed.  “Look at me, Bella, I’m good looking, fast, athletic, immortal and I can read minds… but I sparkle when I’m in the sunlight.  LIFE IS SO HARD FOR ME!!!”

Welcome to the adventures of the poor little emo vampire.

Then again, if I had to spend eternity with a family that looks like Hitler’s ubermen with expressions that make it look like they have to poop all the time, I would be depressed too.

So let’s talk the romance which is what every tween twit has been raving about in this book.  The romance… DOESN’T EXIST!  There’s no chemistry!  THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!  Edward and little Bella are never convincing and for a 107 year-old virgin, Edward has a remarkable sense of restraint.  These two…

they’re just wrong.  Terrible actors with no chemistry between the two of them.  This is supposed to be the most real and human element to the whole story and they can’t even get it right.  This, of course, means that if you did miss those 45 minutes of complaining at the beginning of the movie, you’re in for about an hour and a half of the most fake love story possible.

Should I even mention the stupid baseball game?  You see, vampires love to play baseball but can only do it during a thunderstorm so that the lightning can mask the thunderous sounds of their bats whacking balls… because, of course, if you’re outside and hear thunder when there’s no rain, the obvious answer is vampires playing baseball.

The plotting in this movie makes no sense either.  When a gang of vampires shows up, causes trouble, and wants to eat Bella it looks like there’s actually going to be some excitement to be had.  As Edward puts it, “We have seven, they have two… the odds are in our favor.”  What do they do?  Do they form a front and take the bad vampires down on their home turf?  Hecks no, they SPLIT UP and leave Bella with TWO guards!  What happened to those odds, now?

Don’t even get me started on how these glittering glam boyz seem to have the strange ability to cross the country in a matter of hours either.

What does this movie teach us?  Apparently that girls will throw themselves to the first jerk idiot that seeks them out and that you should stay with that jerk idiot even if he’s dangerous.  Fans of this movie will no doubt turn into tomorrow’s trailer trash with a black eye from walking into a door.

Ye Gods, this movie is awful.  A shallow two-dimensional two hour chore to sit through.  Tweens will probably eat this crap with a spoon, but those of us with intelligence that overrules infatuation with so-called “pretty people” will be disappointed so very very much.

This is one of the worst movies I have seen all year.

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Written by Jason Gaston

Father, teacher, writer, photographer, artist, actor, male model, and inventor of the semicolon.

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