Everyone who knows me wish they didn’t… but those people also know that, when it comes to Halloween, I am a certified Halloween fanatic. I love the holiday and everything about it… well, almost everything about it.
10 – Candy Corn
This disgusting and continually returning candy confection is the thing that ruins Trick or Treating every year. Forget the razors, syringes, and poison apples that some kids bring home, it’s these carvings from Satan’s toenails that really puts a kink in your Halloween celebrations.
There are children who have gotten run over by drunk drivers on Halloween night that are not as bummed out as the kid who empties his bag only to find these teeth-like confections of pure ass staring back at him.
Seriously, it doesn’t even qualify as candy – it’s wax! Put a wick in it and you could light it in case of power outages. It’s like it came out of Shrek’s ears on a q-tip! This candy is gross and, what’s worse is that it deceives you by appearance. You see all those different colors on the waxy cone of lies and you think, “Score, it’s going to be three different flavors.” Turns out that it is: Feces, poop, and fecal matter.
As if the devious machinations about its hideous taste aren’t bad enough, the candy corn (which is neither) now disguises itself as cute little pumpkins, ghosts, and other seemingly delicious foodstuffs. Listen, buddy, I could take a poo in a baking pan and say it’s a muffin, but after a couple of bites you’ll realize that it’s still just poo – and slightly better tasting than candy corn.
We’re not fooled either, we know why this candy is given out every year – it’s cheap. Why is it cheap? Because it has to be to keep the people who buy the stuff to keep buying the stuff! Teach these people a lesson; When they dare try and sully your Hallow’s Eve bags with this affront to nature and all that is delicious, kick them in the shins and run away. What are they going to do? Call the cops? You’re in a mask!
9 – The Christmas Crowd-Out
It’s getting to the point that you have to buy your Halloween stuff in September so that you can celebrate in any respectable way because, five days before Halloween, all of the ghostly goodness is shoved out the door to make way for the Holiday Season… which doesn’t even start for a month!
I know, I know… Christmas is the more popular holiday where, instead of candy corn, you get Xboxes and the big man in the red suit that everyone celebrates is Santa and not Satan, but COME ON!!! We’re trying to teach kids to wait their turn and be patient, while we’re rolling out Christmas stuff in July? Where is the lesson in that!?
Personally, Santa better watch himself because when it comes down to a showdown between a fat man and a bunch of midgets against the armies of darkness, I bet on evil every time.
8 – Fall Festivals
You remember when children used to go to Halloween carnivals? They would dress up in costumes and go play games and have fun with friends? I cherish these memories – they are an integral part of who I am and what I will be. Go to the Halloween carnival, trick or treat, and then toilet paper some houses. It was all part of growing up.
Well, no one has Halloween Carnivals anymore. Now we have these stupid Fall Festivals because celebrating Halloween offended too many people because we were observing a pagan ritual or something – of course, they combated that by making up our own pagan ritual in celebrating the Harvest!
What’s worse, would you like to know when they have started holding these Fall Festivals? Halloween! Freakin’ Halloween! So, it’s kind of like the old fashioned Halloween carnivals, only… there’s no costumes allowed and they play nothing but Christian music because these farces are often sponsored by churches. After all, nothing will expunge Satan from our Earth like not allowing kids to dress up like Paw Patrol and making them listen to eighty songs with the same beat and slightly different words.
Fall Festivals are a joke – They celebrate them around the same time as Halloween and kids are even wearing costumes to it again. Why not just call a spade a spade and call them what they are: Halloween Carnivals!
I’ll tell you why and it has to do with our next entry…
7 – Christians
I want to get this out of the way, I’m not talking about all Christians, just the Christian a-holes. People who hang on every word that Pat Robertson says and thinks that handing out candy to some kid dressed as Batman is an act of Satan. Chances are, if you are as close to be normal as being a Christian allows you to be, you’re reading this and thinking, Yeah, I understand what you’re saying.
If you’re offended… you are who I’m talking about.
Please join the Atheist a-holes, the Islamic a-holes, and the a-holes of every other religion on Earth in the corner of no humor.
These whiny and controlling butt monkeys are the reason why we don’t have Halloween carnivals anymore… these lonely and judgmental people who sit in the house in the dark lest they be required to look children in the eye and say, “No, I will not give you candy or Jesus will make my son gay,” bring nothing but sorrow and grayness to the world. I’m also fairly certain they are the reason Captain Kangaroo died.
These people honk me off. It’s bad enough that they violate their own commandments and “bear false witness” saying that Halloween is the devil’s birthday, but they want to take it a step further and dictate how me and my family and everyone around them celebrates Halloween. I don’t knock on their door telling them what jerks they are for not celebrating Halloween, but I have to listen to them preach to me from my driveway that I’m going to hell for carving a funny face into a pumpkin?
You are ruining what should be cherished childhood memories and that is evil.
What’s worse is that they will go on and on about the “pagan” holiday of Halloween and how evil it is, but then go out and celebrate the 4th of July or take Labor Day off and act like there’s nothing wrong with it. Sorry, but those are holidays established by non-Christian means and that makes them… pagan!
You’re going to hell for watching fireworks. I’ll meet you there, but at least I’ll have some candy.
6 – Sexy Halloween Costumes that Shouldn’t be Sexy
I’ve got no problem with naughty nurses or dominatrices coming to my front door begging me for candy. None at all.
It’s recently that the sexy costumes have taken a turn for the bizarre as costumes that shouldn’t be sexy are suddenly sexy!
Nurse? Yes! Policewoman? Yes! Nudist? YES!
Freddy Kruger, Big Bird, Darth Vader, and Mrs. Potato Head? No… uh… yes… but no.
Come on, Spongebob Squarepants, for God’s sake! Girls are wearing skin-tight Spongebob costumes which seems cool at first, but then I realize I don’t want to be aroused by Spongebob Squarepants!
5 – People Who Refuse to Give Candy to Teenage Trick-or-Treaters
I honestly don’t get old people these days. They complain about everything that youth do. On Halloween, for example, they complain about the no-good hoodlums out causing havoc, drinking, and generally causing mayhem and property damage and then, when a group of teens come to their front door trick-or-treating, they complain that they’re too old to do such a thing.
Uh… what exactly are you wanting in this situation?
You don’t want them to break the law or loiter or drink, but when you encounter a bunch of kids who actively choose to not do exactly what you don’t want them to do, you berate them? Why?
Just shut up and give them some damn candy.
This is why no one likes you, boomers. This is why no one likes you.
4 – Sundays
This is kind of related to the a-hole religious rant, but kind of not… I hate it when Halloween falls on a Sunday. I really do. There’s always the religious leaders who come out with the BS about, “You shouldn’t do trick-or-treating on Sunday because then you become Satan’s minion,” but that’s really not what annoys me.
You see, when I was a kid and Halloween fell on a Sunday, we would go trick-or-treating, but it would be cut off by the parents early. Not for any religious reason, but because it was the end of the weekend and we had school the next morning.
If Halloween fell on any other day of the week, it wouldn’t be an issue. You want to stay out until 1 AM on Monday that would be fine. God forbid that you stay out past nine on Sunday.
Sunday Halloweens are the worst.
3 – Cutesy Decorations
Has this ever happened to you? You’re in the store and you see a gruesome zombie head on a spike and you’re all like, “Yay! That’ll really scare the piddle out of the little turds who try and take my candy!” and then you pick it up and it starts singing the Monster Mash.
I hate cute singing Halloween decorations especially the ones that would be awesome if they didn’t sing. It’s that extra ingredient in a gourmet dinner that ruins it… you know, the goat cheese glaze on a steak or the rat poop on a Big Mac.
Halloween can be cute if you’re into all that. You can have a giant blow up Snoopy on your front lawn if you want. I want my Halloween to be horrible, disgusting, scary, and the stuff that scars people for a lifetime and you can’t do that if it’s done to the tune of Purple People Eater!
2 – Unoriginal Costumes
It’s not just the Joker that ruins Halloween, it’s Obi Wan Kenobi, Bumblebee, Tinkerbell, and every other trendy Halloween costume that comes to my door over and over and over again. I’m not one to preach against commercialism like some Seattle Starbucks hipster, but you know what? I hate commercialism!
Doesn’t anyone have any imagination anymore? If you’re fortunate enough to have parents that make you put together unique homemade costumes that actually force you to use your imagination, the sheep like herds of kids wearing the same store-bought costumes make fun of them because “Haha, you’re too poor to conform!”
This is how we solve this problem: Any time you see another Batman or another whatever-her-name is from Descendants come to your door. Pepper Spray them. Give the “poor kids” with original homemade costumes extra candy and allow them to kick your victims as they writhe on the floor.
1 – The Pile of Candy on the Floor
There were many things my parents did to scar me as a kid. I was spanked, forced to go to church, and burned with cigarettes, but by far the very worse thing that was ever done to me happened after Trick-or-Treating.
It never failed… I would return from walking the equivalent of ten miles to gather as much precious candy as I could and, when I returned to the trailer home to enjoy the juicy fruits of my labor, I would always be told by my mom, who hadn’t moved her fat butt from the couch all night, “You can have one piece of candy and save the rest for later.”
What? I did all the work and I’m being told what to do with my haul? Fine… you’re the mom or whatever. I’d wake up the next morning, though, and all the best candy would be picked out of my pail leaving me the cheap peanut butter candy and whoppers boxes which we all know are at the bottom of the candy food chain.
They would sit there in that pail for months… a testament to the fact that all my work resulted in authority figures taking the best for themselves.
This is why I started Occupy Halloween. I am the ninety-nine percent!