‘Disaster Movie’ is the Worst Thing in the History of Anything Ever

Enjoy this review I wrote in 2008. I was… rather passionate when I wrote it.

There was a famous incident a year or so ago when a disgruntled non-fan of Kevin Smith asked him an insulting question about when he was going to start making movies that didn’t revolve around his old characters and that didn’t suck. Kevin Smith answered the question and then, in Kevin Smith style, proceeded to mock and destroy the fat little nerd for what Smith said was, “insulting his betters.”

This brings us to Disaster Movie which, if anything, I can at least say that its title is truth in advertising. The very first movie out of the gate that Disaster Movie lampoons is 10,000 BC which, if you remember, was a movie I reviewed last week calling it one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.

Let me tell you something, kids, Disaster Movie taking on 10,000 BC is a case of a fat little nerd insulting its better. This movie is 100 percent pure garbage and an open palmed slap to the face to everyone who loves movies… even bad ones. Honestly, kids, there was nothing in this movie that came close to even being funny. I would rather watch 10,000 BC ten more times than sit though this stupid, vacant, putrid piece of diuretic hog vomit again.

But it gets better from there. When Disaster Movie has something to say about Juno being overwritten and too clever and then poke fun at No Country for Old Men you really have to wonder just who the actualy eff the directors of this movie think they are. I mean, seriously people, comedic failures like Friedberg and Seltzer pointing out the flaws in other movies is like George W. Bush telling Steven Hawking that his wheelchair is squeaky. I would be surprised if Friedberg and Seltzer even saw half of the movies they made fun of and I would be even more surprised if they understood half of the movies they saw and they are going to citizen other much much better movies in a movie that amounts to liquid diarrhea on a stale cracker? Who the eff do they think they are?

It’s amazing what these two actually think is funny. At one point, an actor shows up and does a very terrible impression of Doctor Phil and it’s almost as if we’re supposed to laugh solely at the fact that Dr. Phil is there. Not funny! Neither is random cameos from bad actors doing bad impressions of Flava Flav, Hanna Montana, and the elderly women from Sex in the City. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: A pop culture reference does not equal funny! I will not laugh at a subject’s mere presence and I certainly will not laugh if the joke is bad and then is explained to the audience for two minutes of agonizing tediousness. If the alleged humor in this movie is a blade, Disaster Movie sticks it between your ribs and twists the knife slowly in an ever more sadistic form of torture. I would rather see the money that the studio put into this movie get donated to the GOP; that’s how much I hated it.

I have to admit, I didn’t make it all the way through this movie which brings my walk-out count up to five in my whole life. I sat through the awful part where Juno fought Carrie (for no reason) with jokes directly ripped off almost word for word from You Don’t Mess With the Zohan. I managed to make it through a silly Hancock reference that went nowhere. I even held my vomit during a pointless Jumper/Prince Caspian “joke” but I couldn’t hold my seat. I didn’t even pay for a ticket, but I still felt gypped. Perhaps it’s for that piece of my soul that I felt die during the thirty minutes I stayed in the theater.

I feel embarrassed for everyone who was in this movie and a burning hot rage against anyone who wrote it, directed it, and had anything to do with it coming into existance. This movie isn’t just the worst of 2008, it’s probably the worst movie in a decade… or perhaps longer and that’s an accomplishment with the likes of Uwe Boll and Tom Green out there.

I have a hard time imagining anyone thinking at any time that anything about this movie would remotely turn out well. This was a film that cost nothing to make and was released into theaters with the studios knowing that it was a steaming pile of crap, hoping to make back the scant money they paid for it in the opening week from the slack-jawed idiots who thought that the trailer was kind of funny. This movie is a scam the likes of which haven’t been seen since the Savings and Loan Scandals. Friedberg and Seltzer aren’t fit to write Hallmark Cards, much less a movie and how these two talentless hacks continue to find work is a great injustice to people everywhere.

Eff them, eff this movie, and if you did actually like it and found it funny… Eff you too!

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