Disney’s Cars: A Post-Apocalyptic Tale of Horror

I’ve just realized that Cars is a disturbing movie and, in a sense, I think I enjoy it more now that what I used to. It’s all based on a theory, of course. A theory that I have no evidence for and am not about to try and prove, but a lot like how many people believe that Ferris was just a figment of Cameron’s imagination, I think that this theory will broaden your enjoyment of Pixar’s least enjoying movie.

Are you ready for my theory?

Cars takes place in the Terminator universe.

These cars that all of our kids love and enjoy? They’re creations of Skynet and the movie takes place years — perhaps centuries after the final battle with the machines when humanity was wiped off the face of the earth.

Right now you’re probably clicking your tongue, scratching your hind-end, and thinking, “This guy is a genius! How did he figure this out?”

It’s really quite simple. In any technology-based civilization, you have to have organics to create the initial inhabitants which is what humanity did for Skynet. Now, when Skynet was getting going and destroying all of the fleshy pests on the planet, you have to realize that she was in an incredible hurry (and yes, Skynet is a she and, no, I can’t prove that either) and had to make due with whatever raw materials she had to work with. Thus, the Cars were created… the very first Terminators. With readily-made automobile chassis and the brain of a highly-intelligent killing machine, the Cars were unleashed on the nuclear-scared planet and laid waste and rubber on any human that they could find. As Skynet began pumping out the Arnold Schwarzenegger terminator like Austrian pez, the Cars lost their technological edge and were retired.

Then came the war with the machines. John Conner and his band of humans fought Skynet and won. Life seemed to be pretty good for a while… until the forgotten Cars returned to seek revenge for the destruction of their creator.

The ensuing bloodbath became the stuff of legends. No sooner had the humans began their celebratory drinking than the Cars descended like a black death of exhaust and burning rubber. Fragile bone splintered against their bumpers, pulpy flesh and guts squished under their wheels. Before you could say “Why in God’s name did they do a sequel to this before The Incredibles?” the Cars had destroyed the last remaining humans on Earth.

But now they were alone.

Lacking the intelligence for imagination, they adopted human customs they were already familiar with — popular music, auto racing, and the famous Route 66. Over the decades, these little engines of death created a whole new car-based civilization and began to multiply. Over the centuries, their Genesis was lost and the age of the Car had begun.

At least, that’s my theory. You can also argue that Cars also takes place in the Matrix universe or Knight Rider universe.

I also believe that The Lion King promotes incest… but that’s a tale for another day.

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