Because there is so much joy and goodness in the world, Game of Thrones is back to take a big steamy poop of sadness on your Sunday nights and we’re just going to sit there as it pinches off a rancid log right into our laps with a gigantic grin on our faces because we hate ourselves and we want to be punished. 

Game of Thrones is hard to review because it does what it does so darn well.  Where other television shows with gigantic casts of characters do spotty jobs (looking at you, both Walking Deads) or terrible jobs (You there, Heroes) of juggling them all, Game of Thrones is the only one that consistently not only handles its immense cast expertly, but also manages to stick with what’s interesting and, when a character is left out for a week – or even an entire season – it doesn’t feel like a huge loss to the story.  Seriously, I thought we would at least see a glimpse of Bran and poor Hodor here, but nope… nothing.

“The Red Woman” did everything I was expecting and I don’t mean that as an insult.  Traditionally, the first season of a show like this is played to remind us where everyone is and what they’re doing and where they were left.  This primer was expertly executed and made me interested in what was to come.

Jon Snow is still dead and The Wall is a heaping pile of trash with that little horror, Ollie, and his butthole traitors about fillet the last of the Snow loyalists including Ser Davos and The Red Woman, also know as Melisandre.

Reek and Sansa flee Ramsay Bolton and Winterfell and come across a couple of saviors.

Cersei’s day keeps getting worse as she learns that her daughter didn’t return from Dorne.

Speaking of Dorne, there’s a coup and there’s lots of death and blood but, this is Game of Thrones so it’s to be expected as is copious nudity.

Tyrion and Varys, left alone in Mareen, seek a way to quell the situation and bring stability to Dany’s crumbling kingdom as Dany confronts her new captures.

Also, Ayra is still blind and has been reduced to begging for money in the streets and is getting her butt kicked every day.

Usually, when Game of Thrones starts up for the season, it starts slow and then builds but, by gum, this episode exploded out of the gate and crashed through walls like the Juggernaut.  It was a refreshing change of pace from what I was expecting.

The episode was big, grand, beautifully shot, and looked way more expensive than I’m sure it actually was.  The writing was on point, the acting was great… the only part that I thought kind of tripped up the flow of the episode was the Dornish coup because, even though it was kind of neat, I just can’t make myself give a crap about the whole Dorne plot and, sadly enough, it only looks like more Dorne is on the way.

Still, it was a minor quibble and, although a stumble, it was an entertaining one.  This was probably Game of Thrones strongest premiere in its history.

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Written by Jason Gaston

Father, teacher, writer, photographer, artist, actor, male model, and inventor of the semicolon.

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