‘Epic’ is Not

There are small people living in the forest beyond which our eyes can see and every day, they fight a never-ending battle against the evil forces of Gargamel.

Did I say Gargamel?  I meant to say Hexxus.

Did I say Hexxus?  I mean to say Mandrake.

Yeah… that’s the one.

Before the movie even starts, Epic begins to feel anything but as it rehashes Ferngully The Last Rainforest only with more weapons and sharper animation.

It’s Avatar with less blue kitty people.

It’s The Littles except it’s not paralyzing boring.

It’s The Smurfs movie with… uh… Well, actually if the Smurfs movie would have been like this, it would have been rad.

Epic is the story of a group of teeny tiny soldiers living out in the woods who are attacked by the evil Mandrake who obviously represents pollution and is really only a few steps above a Captain Planet villain.  Mandrake kills the queen of these teeny tiny soldiers.  Before the queen dies, however, she shrinks down a full grown human girl and entrusts a pod to her that will determine the next queen of the teeny tiny people, but if no queen is selected then the forest will die or something.

I will say that even though I was completely bored with this movie, there are a few things about it that I respected.  The mature tone, for example – a movie that kills off two rather meaty parts in the first twenty minutes isn’t messing around.  I’m not kidding, kids, Epic does not screw around when it comes to death and darkness and that’s good!

There are also a pair of irritating slugs and that’s bad.  Just when you think a movie is going to do something cool and different… in come the horrible comic relief characters and, wowzers, are these two just torture.  They should have been called thumbscrew and head-vice.

You get all the clichés you can stomach with Epic, you get the handsome hero that bucks authority, the fish out of water girl who should listen to people who know what they’re talking about, and the gruffy father figure.  There is literally nothing surprising in the lineup of usual suspects.

The rehashes and clichés roil and boil into two of the most forgettable hours I can’t remember spending.  Even my kids were bored with this movie and my son spends some afternoons watching a ceiling fan.

While it’s got some great animation that I cannot find a fault with, Epic is anything but.  It’s hollow as a rotted oak.

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