My Dear Alyson Hannigan,

True, you may not know who I am but rest assured I know who you are.  I watched you all those years on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and in those cute American Pie movies.  Needless to say, I’m a little in love with you.

Please don’t tell my girlfriend.

You see, I’ve never penned a fan letter before and, after seeing your latest movie, I finally feel compelled to do so.  You see, my sweet Alyson, I’ve always thought you should be a huge star. 

Simply put, my precious Alyson, you have the potential of becoming an obscenely popular star who can command an astronomical salary and can afford keep me as a human slave.

Please don’t tell my girlfriend.

My love is strong and no restraining order in the world can stop it but sadly, it is not love that has compelled me to write to you today, my yummy Alyson, it is concern.  I fell that you could be flushing your chance to be a hge star down the toilet.

Granted, this isn’t a huge problem for me because that means that I get to keep you more to myself and won’t have to fight off too many other admirers, but I love you too much to keep this information to myself.

You see, Alyson, I saw Date Movie.

Please don’t tell my girlfriend.

Alyson, baby, what were you thinking?  This movie is so bad!  It’s not you!  It’s not you at all!  I remember you making me laugh once just by noticing your own chest in a leather bustier.  That’s the kind of talent you have, my cuddly Alyson.  That’s the kind of comedy that you should be doing.  Not this hackneyed poop that will make people hate you!

Now, I know that with you being so gorgeous and all and with you trying to come up with a way to dump your husband gently so that you can I can be together, you have a lot on your cute little mind.  Therefore, here’s some tips from your number one fan.

First of all, imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but imitation by itself does not a joke make!  You remember that string of unfunny Leslie Nelson movies like Wrongfully Accused and Spy Hard?  They weren’t funny because they were just copying stuff that was done in other movies.  Where is the funny in that, my delectable Allison?   Where is it?

Secondly, if you’re going to do a movie like this please make sure that it’s going to be memorable for one reason or another.  People remember Airplane because there was literally a joke every second.  We remember Scary Movie because it pushed the envelope and became as offensive as possible, and we remember The Naked Gun because it was back when Leslie Nelson was actually funny.

What are people going to remember this movie for, my gorgeous Allison?  A few dated movie references and a farting cat?  I don’t think so.

Finally, my wonderful Alyson, please read the script.  I mean, I’m no expert when it comes to finding the perfect movie to showcase my attractiveness and bubbling personality, but you should be!  Date Movie tried to deliver the laugh-a-second formula of Airplane!, but it failed to even garner a laugh an hour.  I think I actually only laughed once during this movie.

In closing, dear sweet wonderful sexy Alyson, I hated this movie.  It was pure vanilla and a complete waste of my time.  I was actually cursing to myself while I was driving home.  Imagine!  Me cursing because I just saw a movie with you in it that was really, really bad!  Alyson, my love, we simply can’t have that!  It disrupts the natural balance of the universe!

So please take this advise to heart, my glorious garden rose, and you will become the star that I know you deserve to be!

Love,
Jason

PS – Please send $7, the price of my ticket, to my paypal account for reimbursement.

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Written by Jason Gaston

Father, teacher, writer, photographer, artist, actor, male model, and inventor of the semicolon.

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