I finally watched The New Mutants so you don’t have to!

The thirteenth and final chapter of the Fox X-Men universe came and went with a whimper. I mean, I would have seen it in theaters, but I was sick that day.

The reviews were bad, audience reaction was bad… everything pointed to this movie being a disaster of epic proportions, but at least it couldn’t be as bad as Dark Phoenix, right?

Right?

The New Mutants centers around a group of teenage mutants that I’ve never heard of spending their time in a sort-of asylum for mutants who need to learn to control their powers. I have no idea who these people are and the movie doesn’t seem to care to tell us that much about them either, so that’s a problem. I have no problem getting to know new characters, but they have to be inherently charming or interesting on some level. There’s really no other way to describe Charlie Heaton and Maisie William’s performances other than “embarrassing” and, based on their level of energy and engagement in this movie, I think they would probably agree with me whole-heartedly.

None of these people are. Their personalities are as interesting as cold noodles and their powers are largely left up to whatever the movie needs at that moment.

But, the idea of mutants in a horror movie is a new take, right? It’s not like they can screw that up, right?

They do.

As I’ve said before, I love movies that are good and I can sit through movies that are bad, but the worst kind of torture I can think of is a movie that is just boring and that’s what The New Mutants is. It’s drivel… unengaging, slogging, drivel that devolves into a half-hearted CGI fight fest that seems so tacked on and out of nowhere that you can practically smell the reshoots.

This has to be one of the most boring movies I’ve sat though. The first 4/5th of the script must have had the words “talk” and “sulk” written on them so many times those keys must have been worn out on the computer. This movie could have been a risk, it could have been something different… instead, it’s nothing. No one cares about it. Not the audience, not the X-Men fans, and not even the people who suffered this grotesque beast into existence.

It’s sad. I know that the 20th Century Fox X-Men movies had some stinkers, but it had more winners in its lineup and it deserved more for its final curtain than some slapdashedly drab non-effort that was unceremoniously squeezed onto a plate and offered to an uninterested audience.

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